[Ramesses moves the hand from her hair to her cheek. One of her tears meets his hand, sliding along his finger to the side of his palm before his thumb brushes aside the next.]
I think I shall perhaps never understand why you believe yourself to be such a dangerous thing... [He can know her mistakes and her guilt, and none of that is anything that Ramesses glosses over any more than Chariot glosses over his own regrets. But where she may bestow upon others grace and forgiveness, she offers no such thing to herself. It's baffling. Especially when she surrounds herself with those with far more blood on their hands than she could ever lay claim to.] It would perhaps be more straightforward if you did not love her, but it is not a burden to love or be loved by you. Do not forget that you are not the sole judge on such matters.
[Because Croix should have a choice, too. Just as they all did.]
We could move on with our lives. We could heal more perfectly. If we continue to tie ourselves together, there's always a risk that it will fracture again...
[ And there was the heart of it. There it was, mixed among the guilt and apprehension and all of her complexes that darkened her star so thoroughly. It crystallized into its most choking form, it's most perfectly poisonous.
What you are saying is that the risk is greater than anything else that may come of it even if that is to be great happiness.
Do you really believe that?
[Because Ramesses doesn't think she genuinely does. Her anxiety? Of course. Alongside her guilt, it will always remain convinced that the risks for anything that's ultimately good is too great. It remains steadfast in believing that she is dangerous and that sooner or later, others will discover that "truth." But there is always some part of Chariot that doesn't believe any of that to be true. She would not be here, would not hold onto all of her lovers, if that wasn't the case.]
[It sounds more to him that Chariot simply hasn't found a way of being reassured yet that it's okay to want that happiness with Croix, too. To be a little selfish.]
[ Whether she believed it to be true or not, her whole form still reacted to it. One could know that nothing harmful lied within the dark shadows of their room but they could still cause one to cower in fright at the slightest shift in sound. There was no rationality to it at all, no matter what she tried to tell herself.
It was just fear, pure and simple, fear born of hurt. Burning one's hand on a stove and vowing to never cook again. It was absolutely irrational and yet she felt so small next to that fear... ]
[It's an honest answer, that much is sure. Ramesses does not need to be connected to her by a Bond to see how deeply the fear goes within her, tightening at every mention of it. It's what wrings out the tears and causes the tension of her body to take hold. But it has been so long since he's seen her like this, so paralyzed and gripped by her fear...]
And I have only ever known you to be incredibly brave even when terrified.
[There is a glimmer of a smile on his expression at that. Time and time again, Chariot has proven herself to be braver than most. The very simple fact that she is here, lying in this bed with him is evidence alone of her bravery.]
On this matter, I cannot and will not tell you what to do, Chariot, but... [He sighs a little.] Any time you might have with someone you love, it will never feel enough. Even with the happiest of lives together, you'll still go looking for all the little moments where you could have chosen differently, or said something different, or stayed a little longer even if all it would amount to is a fraction of a second.
And so, I do not think your love could ever possibly be a regret. I think it is perhaps the greatest gift she could ever receive from you.
[ Chariot shifted closer to him as he spoke, nuzzling into his shoulder, seeking out the warmth and comfort of his strength, his heartbeat. It made those words seep by, trace past the cracks of her doubts. Cracks that Fang's own words had laid for her... ]
Fang told me... I couldn't run away from this... You're basically saying the same thing, that all I'd have ahead of me is regret, for the both of us...
[ Her words were a whisper. ]
Just... promise me... if I'm hurt again... you won't resent her.
[He does not answer her immediately. Which could perhaps at first be chalked up to simply not hearing her clear enough to provide a response. But when he does not seek any clarification, it likely becomes obvious that Ramesses heard her clearly. He is just hesitant to offer a response.]
[It is one thing to set aside the past. Ramesses was not part of Chariot's life when the wrongs of Chariot and Croix's past together were committed. But it is another to ask him to overlook something that could occur now. To offer forgiveness so readily and easily for harming someone he loves so immensely. That simply is not in Ramesses' nature and he full well knows it. Even the very thought of it stirs anger that Ramesses rarely demonstrates but always results in fearsome wrath. It's far too likely that he would break such a promise to her were he to do so here and now.]
[There is also the matter that large parts of Chariot's relationship with Croix is not really his business. Such things are between the two of them and no one else, just as anything between Chariot and Fang would be between them, or between Chariot and Kaede.]
That's not something I am able to promise, Chariot, [he says, his voice low.] My anger is difficult to quell in such circumstances, as you well know.
[For something as difficult to start as his temper is, it becomes wildly easy to ignite further once it has been sparked. "Difficult to quell" is perhaps an understatement.]
What I can promise is that I shall not hold the past against her any further than you do. But should harm befall you once more while I am still bound to this world, all I am able to promise you is that I shall bear in mind your wishes and make every effort to yield to them.
[Ramesses knows that's far from what Chariot likely wishes to hear. But he thinks it crueler to offer her a lie.]
Were I confident that I could fulfill more than that, I would promise it to you.
[ Honestly, she knew that. She knew all of that. It was a truth she couldn't really compromise with. She had no right, after all, to ask it of him. But she still... did. She still indulged that scared, selfish part of her that didn't want to see things become complicated, become risky.
But he was right... He couldn't promise her that, and it was foolish of her to ask. She ducked her head, biting her lip and trembling just slightly. ]
I'm sorry, I... I know all of that. I just... I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid everything is about to go horribly wrong.
[ How real that fear was didn't ultimately matter. It was irrational, born from a trepidation that itself was born from pain, guilt and regret. It choked her, it still did. Croix showing up just showed she still had so far to go, and it made her feel weak, vulnerable... ]
[For a long moment, Ramesses is quiet. None of this is anything he has not heard before under other circumstances and it is merely becoming a refrain tonight. And in that quiet moment, he realizes that he has perhaps allowed it to continue for far longer than he ought to have. In Ramesses' own preference for Chariot to be at peace, after all, he has so often soothed her. Without telling her lies, he's offered her comfort and respite from the anxiety that is within her. But quieting that anxiety is not so much the same as truly setting it aside, and she seems to be spiraling tonight.]
Look at me.
[It is not a command, but there is a firmness to Ramesses' tone, one that he so rarely takes with Chariot. Where he might otherwise tend to turn her face back towards him, Ramesses waits for Chariot to rally, to draw upon the strength within and do it for herself. Because they are long past the point where Chariot needs him to do such things for her any longer.]
[In the past year, he has known her, she has grown tremendously. Far beyond what she ever likely conceived herself capable of doing, and yet... And yet, in moments like this, she still doubts its existence.]
[When she is able to lift her face, Ramesses releases her hand to hold her face in both of his hands instead.]
I have spent over a year by your side and in that time, I have seen that light within you grow beyond even what I could have imagined it to be. There is not a day that goes by that I do not offer my gratitude to the gods, nor admire your strength.
But, Chariot, this... This has to stop. [Ramesses purses his lips, brow furrowing slightly for a moment. Because really, asking Ramesses not to be upset with Croix is not the first time something like this has happened between them. Even if she did not go so far as to express it so directly, there was similar anxiety given voice over her concerns about harmony between Fang, Kaede, and him. And no doubt that same anxiety has always driven her at least in part to not speak of Ramesses' mistakes at any great length, even those she knew without having to see with her own eyes.] It is okay to be afraid. And it is okay to be uncertain if what you are doing is the right choice. But you cannot keep hesitating or avoiding every time there is the possibility of something becoming difficult or someone getting hurt. The consequences of inaction will eventually leave you without choice in the matter.
[He sighs quietly then, averting his gaze for a few seconds.]
Even if things cannot be as they were or it takes a great deal of time, those who love you will find a way to still love you in the aftermath of a mistake. Of that I am certain. But that can only happen if you allow yourself to trust them and yourself enough to make a mistake.
She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
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no subject
[Ramesses moves the hand from her hair to her cheek. One of her tears meets his hand, sliding along his finger to the side of his palm before his thumb brushes aside the next.]
I think I shall perhaps never understand why you believe yourself to be such a dangerous thing... [He can know her mistakes and her guilt, and none of that is anything that Ramesses glosses over any more than Chariot glosses over his own regrets. But where she may bestow upon others grace and forgiveness, she offers no such thing to herself. It's baffling. Especially when she surrounds herself with those with far more blood on their hands than she could ever lay claim to.] It would perhaps be more straightforward if you did not love her, but it is not a burden to love or be loved by you. Do not forget that you are not the sole judge on such matters.
[Because Croix should have a choice, too. Just as they all did.]
no subject
[ And there was the heart of it. There it was, mixed among the guilt and apprehension and all of her complexes that darkened her star so thoroughly. It crystallized into its most choking form, it's most perfectly poisonous.
Fear of once more being hurt. ]
no subject
Do you really believe that?
[Because Ramesses doesn't think she genuinely does. Her anxiety? Of course. Alongside her guilt, it will always remain convinced that the risks for anything that's ultimately good is too great. It remains steadfast in believing that she is dangerous and that sooner or later, others will discover that "truth." But there is always some part of Chariot that doesn't believe any of that to be true. She would not be here, would not hold onto all of her lovers, if that wasn't the case.]
[It sounds more to him that Chariot simply hasn't found a way of being reassured yet that it's okay to want that happiness with Croix, too. To be a little selfish.]
no subject
[ Whether she believed it to be true or not, her whole form still reacted to it. One could know that nothing harmful lied within the dark shadows of their room but they could still cause one to cower in fright at the slightest shift in sound. There was no rationality to it at all, no matter what she tried to tell herself.
It was just fear, pure and simple, fear born of hurt. Burning one's hand on a stove and vowing to never cook again. It was absolutely irrational and yet she felt so small next to that fear... ]
no subject
And I have only ever known you to be incredibly brave even when terrified.
[There is a glimmer of a smile on his expression at that. Time and time again, Chariot has proven herself to be braver than most. The very simple fact that she is here, lying in this bed with him is evidence alone of her bravery.]
On this matter, I cannot and will not tell you what to do, Chariot, but... [He sighs a little.] Any time you might have with someone you love, it will never feel enough. Even with the happiest of lives together, you'll still go looking for all the little moments where you could have chosen differently, or said something different, or stayed a little longer even if all it would amount to is a fraction of a second.
And so, I do not think your love could ever possibly be a regret. I think it is perhaps the greatest gift she could ever receive from you.
no subject
Fang told me... I couldn't run away from this... You're basically saying the same thing, that all I'd have ahead of me is regret, for the both of us...
[ Her words were a whisper. ]
Just... promise me... if I'm hurt again... you won't resent her.
no subject
[It is one thing to set aside the past. Ramesses was not part of Chariot's life when the wrongs of Chariot and Croix's past together were committed. But it is another to ask him to overlook something that could occur now. To offer forgiveness so readily and easily for harming someone he loves so immensely. That simply is not in Ramesses' nature and he full well knows it. Even the very thought of it stirs anger that Ramesses rarely demonstrates but always results in fearsome wrath. It's far too likely that he would break such a promise to her were he to do so here and now.]
[There is also the matter that large parts of Chariot's relationship with Croix is not really his business. Such things are between the two of them and no one else, just as anything between Chariot and Fang would be between them, or between Chariot and Kaede.]
That's not something I am able to promise, Chariot, [he says, his voice low.] My anger is difficult to quell in such circumstances, as you well know.
[For something as difficult to start as his temper is, it becomes wildly easy to ignite further once it has been sparked. "Difficult to quell" is perhaps an understatement.]
What I can promise is that I shall not hold the past against her any further than you do. But should harm befall you once more while I am still bound to this world, all I am able to promise you is that I shall bear in mind your wishes and make every effort to yield to them.
[Ramesses knows that's far from what Chariot likely wishes to hear. But he thinks it crueler to offer her a lie.]
Were I confident that I could fulfill more than that, I would promise it to you.
no subject
But he was right... He couldn't promise her that, and it was foolish of her to ask. She ducked her head, biting her lip and trembling just slightly. ]
I'm sorry, I... I know all of that. I just... I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid everything is about to go horribly wrong.
[ How real that fear was didn't ultimately matter. It was irrational, born from a trepidation that itself was born from pain, guilt and regret. It choked her, it still did. Croix showing up just showed she still had so far to go, and it made her feel weak, vulnerable... ]
no subject
Look at me.
[It is not a command, but there is a firmness to Ramesses' tone, one that he so rarely takes with Chariot. Where he might otherwise tend to turn her face back towards him, Ramesses waits for Chariot to rally, to draw upon the strength within and do it for herself. Because they are long past the point where Chariot needs him to do such things for her any longer.]
[In the past year, he has known her, she has grown tremendously. Far beyond what she ever likely conceived herself capable of doing, and yet... And yet, in moments like this, she still doubts its existence.]
[When she is able to lift her face, Ramesses releases her hand to hold her face in both of his hands instead.]
I have spent over a year by your side and in that time, I have seen that light within you grow beyond even what I could have imagined it to be. There is not a day that goes by that I do not offer my gratitude to the gods, nor admire your strength.
But, Chariot, this... This has to stop. [Ramesses purses his lips, brow furrowing slightly for a moment. Because really, asking Ramesses not to be upset with Croix is not the first time something like this has happened between them. Even if she did not go so far as to express it so directly, there was similar anxiety given voice over her concerns about harmony between Fang, Kaede, and him. And no doubt that same anxiety has always driven her at least in part to not speak of Ramesses' mistakes at any great length, even those she knew without having to see with her own eyes.] It is okay to be afraid. And it is okay to be uncertain if what you are doing is the right choice. But you cannot keep hesitating or avoiding every time there is the possibility of something becoming difficult or someone getting hurt. The consequences of inaction will eventually leave you without choice in the matter.
[He sighs quietly then, averting his gaze for a few seconds.]
Even if things cannot be as they were or it takes a great deal of time, those who love you will find a way to still love you in the aftermath of a mistake. Of that I am certain. But that can only happen if you allow yourself to trust them and yourself enough to make a mistake.
no subject
It did.
She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
no subject
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
I love you, Chariot du Nord.