She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
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It did.
She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
no subject
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
I love you, Chariot du Nord.