[For a long moment, Ramesses is quiet. None of this is anything he has not heard before under other circumstances and it is merely becoming a refrain tonight. And in that quiet moment, he realizes that he has perhaps allowed it to continue for far longer than he ought to have. In Ramesses' own preference for Chariot to be at peace, after all, he has so often soothed her. Without telling her lies, he's offered her comfort and respite from the anxiety that is within her. But quieting that anxiety is not so much the same as truly setting it aside, and she seems to be spiraling tonight.]
Look at me.
[It is not a command, but there is a firmness to Ramesses' tone, one that he so rarely takes with Chariot. Where he might otherwise tend to turn her face back towards him, Ramesses waits for Chariot to rally, to draw upon the strength within and do it for herself. Because they are long past the point where Chariot needs him to do such things for her any longer.]
[In the past year, he has known her, she has grown tremendously. Far beyond what she ever likely conceived herself capable of doing, and yet... And yet, in moments like this, she still doubts its existence.]
[When she is able to lift her face, Ramesses releases her hand to hold her face in both of his hands instead.]
I have spent over a year by your side and in that time, I have seen that light within you grow beyond even what I could have imagined it to be. There is not a day that goes by that I do not offer my gratitude to the gods, nor admire your strength.
But, Chariot, this... This has to stop. [Ramesses purses his lips, brow furrowing slightly for a moment. Because really, asking Ramesses not to be upset with Croix is not the first time something like this has happened between them. Even if she did not go so far as to express it so directly, there was similar anxiety given voice over her concerns about harmony between Fang, Kaede, and him. And no doubt that same anxiety has always driven her at least in part to not speak of Ramesses' mistakes at any great length, even those she knew without having to see with her own eyes.] It is okay to be afraid. And it is okay to be uncertain if what you are doing is the right choice. But you cannot keep hesitating or avoiding every time there is the possibility of something becoming difficult or someone getting hurt. The consequences of inaction will eventually leave you without choice in the matter.
[He sighs quietly then, averting his gaze for a few seconds.]
Even if things cannot be as they were or it takes a great deal of time, those who love you will find a way to still love you in the aftermath of a mistake. Of that I am certain. But that can only happen if you allow yourself to trust them and yourself enough to make a mistake.
She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
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Look at me.
[It is not a command, but there is a firmness to Ramesses' tone, one that he so rarely takes with Chariot. Where he might otherwise tend to turn her face back towards him, Ramesses waits for Chariot to rally, to draw upon the strength within and do it for herself. Because they are long past the point where Chariot needs him to do such things for her any longer.]
[In the past year, he has known her, she has grown tremendously. Far beyond what she ever likely conceived herself capable of doing, and yet... And yet, in moments like this, she still doubts its existence.]
[When she is able to lift her face, Ramesses releases her hand to hold her face in both of his hands instead.]
I have spent over a year by your side and in that time, I have seen that light within you grow beyond even what I could have imagined it to be. There is not a day that goes by that I do not offer my gratitude to the gods, nor admire your strength.
But, Chariot, this... This has to stop. [Ramesses purses his lips, brow furrowing slightly for a moment. Because really, asking Ramesses not to be upset with Croix is not the first time something like this has happened between them. Even if she did not go so far as to express it so directly, there was similar anxiety given voice over her concerns about harmony between Fang, Kaede, and him. And no doubt that same anxiety has always driven her at least in part to not speak of Ramesses' mistakes at any great length, even those she knew without having to see with her own eyes.] It is okay to be afraid. And it is okay to be uncertain if what you are doing is the right choice. But you cannot keep hesitating or avoiding every time there is the possibility of something becoming difficult or someone getting hurt. The consequences of inaction will eventually leave you without choice in the matter.
[He sighs quietly then, averting his gaze for a few seconds.]
Even if things cannot be as they were or it takes a great deal of time, those who love you will find a way to still love you in the aftermath of a mistake. Of that I am certain. But that can only happen if you allow yourself to trust them and yourself enough to make a mistake.
no subject
It did.
She couldn't keep doing this, living like this. It didn't just hurt her, it put strain on those she loved. Fang's own desperate words rang in her mind. Monika and Kaede's worries. Akko's. Diana telling her, when she was still there, how it seemed her current trajectory didn't seem viable.
All of it had to stop. The strain of the anxiety, of the guilt and aprehension, all of it was too much and it was crushing her. What would even be left of her to take a chance with Croix if this did not stop?
All of them... all of them would ultimately suffer because of her, and not because of any mistake she'd make, or any harm she'd cause.
It had to stop.
After several silent moments, Chariot just... burst into tears. Murmuring apologies. ]
I'm sorry... I'm so... I'm so tired of feeling like this... It has to stop...
[ Just... echoing his words, but they came back to him strained, desperate, so keenly self-aware, as if she could perceive her very own death... ]
no subject
[The cracks were already there, beginning to show themselves more than they have in weeks and months as she spoke in circles; her fear had been almost primal, it was so strong. But as the silence carries on, they grow. More and more they grow, deeper and longer, spidering themselves out further and further until with the first tear, Ramesses watches Chariot finally break apart.]
[But he doesn't look away. He doesn't pull her in closer or kiss her forehead in some semblance of willing quiet once more for her. He doesn't even wipe away at the tears that spill down over her cheeks to his hands. As much as he feels compelled to protect her, to soothe her, Ramesses knows there is nothing he could do. There is no turning back from this. And even if there was, it would not be right for him to even attempt it.]
[Because not just the anxiety, the guilt, and the regret needs to be felt. The fatigue, the exhaustion needs to no longer be denied for what they are. They cannot just be a simple by-product of life anymore, but realized as part of the cost she is paying time and time and time again. That there is a degree to which she has chosen these things for herself, so there is the opportunity for her to choose differently.]
[And she needs to see that regardless of her jagged edges, her smallness, her cowardice, every little thing that she dislikes and fears about herself, whatever real or imagined imperfections are there, that it is not enough to instill regret in others or result in her immediate abandonment or some unwinnable ultimatum.]
[After a few long moments of her tears, Ramesses takes her hands into his. Resting his forehead against hers, he brings her hands to his face. Not to soothe. Not to distract. To remind her that she is not alone with all of this. That he sees her. Just as she is. Flaws and perfections and all. And still,]
I love you, Chariot du Nord.