What would you do with yourself if you could not occupy your time with making such smart remarks to me?
[He means that entirely with fondness, which she should hopefully be able to tell with no sign of irritation or ill mood coming through their Bond even at a distance.]
I suppose I would bother someone else to less enjoyable results.
Also, I likely wouldn't have catnip cookies, which honestly would be another travesty.
[No sass and no baked goods? For shame. Besides, as much as she needles him, there's a friendly fondness that she has for her bond, particularly when they sass at each other.]
[Hold on, he's trying to see if he remembers what "bacon" is. He knows he's heard the word before and needs to run through the mental catalog of foods he has been presented with to see if the name matches... Ah! Yes. Archer made this "bacon" a few times. It seemed to be quite popular among some of the other Servants.]
As part of a morning meal? I'm not sure that I would desire chocolate that early in my day.
It would not surprise me if that were the case. Although they appear to hold themselves back somewhat in their unwillingness to cooperate with one another, Americans do seem to carry a certain degree of ingenuity as is befitting of such a young country.
[He's watched a lot of bickering between Edison and Tesla. A lot of bickering. And he doesn't even spend a lot of time with either Servant compared to others.]
In any case, that is an interesting concept for a dessert. I am not certain it is anything I would go looking for myself, but the combination of flavors seems sensible!
Diplomatic as always. My partner on the Kijuju mission was with the American BSAA branch. He was the bond I lost.
[Absently, she wonders what he’d think of her now, eating catnip cookies and talking about chocolate covered bacon. Accepting this new self of hers more and more each day.]
Someone told me that when they return home, they’re back to their normal. The changes that happen here don’t transfer back.
[He doesn't mind the change in topic, rolling with it as smoothly as always.]
Yes, it's true. My first Bonded was temporarily returned to this world and although he possessed memories of this place upon his return, it was otherwise as though it had never been while he was in our world.
I still miss Chris, but I'm glad he's no longer here. And that he's back to normal. We didn't take to turning into monsters well as it was our jobs to kill monsters back home.
Different monsters, obviously. But, monsters nonetheless.
The magic here cannot transcend the boundaries of this place, it seems.
I would still assume that it was a comfort to have someone who shared in your perspective and experience. Others are disturbed by their changes, of course, but I cannot imagine they experience it quite as the two of you had.
I do not believe I have. But I would not take that personally, I do not often speak of him.
[And not really out of any particular reason, or so Ozymandias assumes. Arthur is no longer here and he no longer feels the effects of the severance of their Bond, so there is very little reason to discuss him at any length.]
He was another Heroic Spirit, but like the others, he preferred to be known by his Servant class rather than his true name. But for him and by now, it has less to do with hiding his potential weaknesses from enemies, and more to do with his shame. Saber carries with him a tremendous amount of guilt for his past. He even felt guilt for being my enemy once and what became of me after he defeated me in the Holy Grail War we both participated in.
I am less concerned with such things. I do not believe the past should be forgotten, but if the purpose of carrying it is not to continue moving forward, then it is a hindrance and should be discarded. He gained nothing from his self-flagellation and could never understand why I did not hold ill will or a grudge toward him.
It was, and I miss that level of comfort. Even without the bond, there’s something about going through the hell that was Kijuju together. And with the bond? The connection was stronger.
He was kidnapped and I never saw him again. He was my partner and I should have been able to protect him. That was my job in Kijuju and it never stopped being my priority. I protect my own. To the end if necessary.
[Which includes him at this point, but he’s talking about his bond and she feels that might be a bit much to say when he rarely talks of his bond.]
Guilt is a difficult thing to cease carrying when there’s the blood of so many at your feet and on your hands. Even in one lifetime. Over many? I don’t know how you do it.
The same with grudges, but that is a flaw of mine too. It’s why I joined the BSAA. Or a large part.
[Ozymandias has spent so much time being far removed from what was familiar to him and separated from those who came to know him better than any alive, that he cannot say he personally identifies with what she is describing. But he's aware enough that he can extend some semblance of understanding and not be dismissive of the strength of what she feels about the matter.]
[But more than he, he understands to some degree what it was to be on the other side of the kidnappings. To have that worry that those he cares for might never return whether it was due to incompetence on part of the city or the cruelty of the Rathmores. Thankfully, he never needed to learn that feeling for himself firsthand. Daenerys escaped not unscathed but through her own power and so did Waver and Caren, although not without their respective weights of guilt over their inability to directly rescue those left behind. And Chariot was returned to him eventually. He even felt a greater amount of relief than he anticipated for Fang's return as well. Even Andersen who was notably a useless Caster who ran his mouth far too much for his own good was a relief to see returned.]
I had not realized you parted under those circumstances. But I am certain your partner knew that you were looking for him and you had not given up. Even if it was difficult for him to sense you through the Bond for very long, surely he knew you well enough to know that you would have done anything to see his return. I do not believe he would fault you for what happened. If anything, I am certain he would only be grateful that you were not with him.
[It's true that Ozymandias didn't know Chris, but from everything Sheva has ever said of her previous Bonded to him, he feels he can judge his character to be aligned with this much.]
That is what it is to be a king, Sheva.
It would be nice to say that one can be king with a purely gentle and kind heart, but that is not the reality. To be king, one must be willing to do things others would deem destructive, perhaps even cruel to maintain the happiness and security of your people.
My responsibility as Pharaoh is to maintain ma'at. I rule not as a man, not as a peer, but as a god. I shall not pretend as though it is an easy thing to balance one's compassion and goodwill by doing what is necessary and fair. What is fair is not always kind to everyone. Even my own ideals are not without their potential sacrifices. But that is what I do so that those I rule over must never contend with such decisions. They merely need only to follow my example and live their lives harmoniously with those around them.
This is where Saber and I differ and why I bear no guilt but he burdens himself with it. He believes it possible that a king might rule as an equal. He does not diffuse responsibility and accepts leadership, but he takes on the sins and the failings of those around him as his own without a second thought. When his duties as a king require him to act in unkind ways, he believes an ideal where such a decision would not be necessary to be a reality rather than a wish.
[Ozymandias might not being saying he was Bonded with King Arthur, but with that description, it's potentially glaringly obvious at this point.]
Do not mistake me. I admire Saber's compassion, truly. His conviction to his own ideals are also why I still choose to recognize him as a king despite other ancient kings likely rejecting him as an idealistic fool. But the way he goes about it is not something that I ever learned to tolerate well. Such a path leads only to his own self-destruction and for such a man to lead himself to such ends is a disgrace. He is worthy of better and his people deserve the whole of his potential, not merely part of it.
But until he is able to accept such truths about what it is to be king, Saber shall remain as he is. He shall always avert his gaze when in my presence or the presence of the other Servants that fought during that Holy Grail War, or when meeting his peers from his own era and kingdom. His actions shall be determined by his guilt rather than his ideals.
I’d like to think so too. Feeling the loss of him through the bond was one of the reasons I did not want to bond again.
[Chris might not fault herself, but she does. She would have died to save him, and while she’s glad to be alive, there’s always going to be that hole left from having and losing him here in this place.
And then she falls silent as the typing continues and the lengthy, serious texts continue to pile in, thoughtful and detailed. At some point she just resigns herself to waiting for completion, which includes eating more catnip sweets honestly. It’s probably for the better, in the end, given what she knows historically about his reign and the opinions she has about leaders’ perspectives often being skewed.
But in the end, she’s never had to lead. She’s seen first hand what it means to take and keep power, but she’s seen it from the perspective of an orphan in a war torn country that killed her family for the favor of a corporation, as a child soldier who did what needed to be done to survive herself, and then as a BSAA agent fighting to save the world from a devastating outbreak. The common thread was corruption and power, always.
While she tried to be hopeful, sometimes the weight of it all was suffocating.
Then there’s that bit about being a god that just... Digs in like an infected splinter.]
I knew a man who claimed himself a god. He wanted to cleanse the world of weakness with a virus, to develop a master next step in evolution. He infected my people and turned them into monsters.
Not like the sort of monsters that are here, but creatures in the shells of people. Their souls decimated into a controllable parasite. We killed hundreds to survive, to complete the mission.
For a long time, I thought I died during that mission. I was falling from a helicopter, then I showed up here.
To believe and fight for an ideal should not be considered a weakness. Neither should having guilt for our atrocities and mistakes. It may have needed to be done for the better of the whole and to save the most lives, whatever the choice, but feeling the price is part of having a conscience.
Do you see their faces too? When I have nightmares?
I know you have nightmares. When I wake the next morning, I can sense the impact they've had on you. But I see nothing of them for myself.
[There is much in what she says that he could respond to or ask more questions about, but it seems a little unfair. What she says is still connected to his own words, but in a looser manner and likely more reflective of the effect of the catmint on her than anything else. So, he chooses only to speak of the topic that seems the least intrusive and the most relevant.]
Sheva, I am not certain this conversation is appropriate for the Watches. [Which is not his way of discouraging her from talking about it if she feels so inclined. It just seems like such a deeply impersonal way to speak of something so personal.] You are welcome to come here if you like.
[Which he offers because he knows there is a degree to which her apartment is off-limits to him. Not out of anything personal against him, of course. He understands her reasons because they are the same reason that Arthur's room has remained relatively untouched. Although the thought does occur to him every now and again to empty it, he just never seems to quite get around to it.]
That's good. That you don't see them. I worry about that happening.
[Not during the nightmares or right after, but it's her burden to carry and to reveal if she wishes. She doesn't want him to suffer her pains and nightmares, even if bonding to him has alleviated the intensity and extent to which they strained and damaged her. When she walked the mental hairline between a feral state and the bondless maelstrom of emotions that encompassed her existence, the memories and nightmares were so vicious, so realistic, that took near all of her mental faculties to not lose herself within them permanently.
Or so it felt to her. Her bond with Ozy stabilized her, strengthened her even. The nightmares again became tolerable as a burden, like the pain of exercise. Necessary to grow stronger. At least that's what she tells herself.
You needn't worry over such things. Whatever your dreams might be, I have not led as sheltered of a life before my death or thereafter as you might assume based upon my birth.
[He does not deny that Sheva has witnessed horrors from what she has described. He does not even deny that they would make the average person's stomach churn or spike such fear or anguish within them that it can only be described as primal. But it takes a great deal more to rattle Ozymandias at this point in his long existence as far as that is concerned as sadly, none of the worlds he has been to have grown kinder in the intervening centuries between his death and the modern era.]
Whatever your dreams, I do not fear them. They do not have the power to make me think differently of you either.
You are not going to eat the entire package of them, are you?
[She really wants to find a way to counter him, to argue that he can’t understand the vile things she’s seen in Kijuju or the way her uncle only took her in for the money, not out of any familial love or even duty. How she became a soldier as a child and learned the ugliness of people far too early in life.
Instead, she realizes the effort would be wasted. Ozy is too resilient in his support and in his strength in his confidence to handle everything that’s thrown at him. She gets it.]
That's good.
[There’s another pause, this one shorter than the initial one.]
I’m glad the foul state of my arrival did not deter you from speaking with me all that time ago. Thank you.
[Of course the thanks is for more than that, but she’s not good at expressing more, that she’s appreciative of his support and space alike that he and their Bond provide. But she is thankful.]
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[She may have dug into the cookies.]
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You're not afraid to be yourself and take on challenges too.
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Also, I was hungry.
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They're still warm.
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[He means that entirely with fondness, which she should hopefully be able to tell with no sign of irritation or ill mood coming through their Bond even at a distance.]
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Also, I likely wouldn't have catnip cookies, which honestly would be another travesty.
[No sass and no baked goods? For shame. Besides, as much as she needles him, there's a friendly fondness that she has for her bond, particularly when they sass at each other.]
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Ah, so I should anticipate less complaining the next time I gift you wish such baked goods?
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No, that is not a euphemism.
An effort will be made, but no promises. These have cheered me significantly, though.
Please also send jerky with these baked goods. Did you know, they make chocolate covered bacon?
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As part of a morning meal? I'm not sure that I would desire chocolate that early in my day.
[He's trying here, Sheva.]
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As part of a dessert or snack. It’s a combination of savory, salty, and sweet. Not a staple meal by any means.
I believe it’s an American’s creation, from the United States.
[Wouldn’t want to attribute credit incorrectly to another country in the Americas.]
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[He's watched a lot of bickering between Edison and Tesla. A lot of bickering. And he doesn't even spend a lot of time with either Servant compared to others.]
In any case, that is an interesting concept for a dessert. I am not certain it is anything I would go looking for myself, but the combination of flavors seems sensible!
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[Absently, she wonders what he’d think of her now, eating catnip cookies and talking about chocolate covered bacon. Accepting this new self of hers more and more each day.]
Someone told me that when they return home, they’re back to their normal. The changes that happen here don’t transfer back.
[She’s now forgotten about the bacon, sorry Ozy.]
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Yes, it's true. My first Bonded was temporarily returned to this world and although he possessed memories of this place upon his return, it was otherwise as though it had never been while he was in our world.
[In terms of memory and physical changes.]
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Different monsters, obviously. But, monsters nonetheless.
The magic here cannot transcend the boundaries of this place, it seems.
Have you ever told me about your first Bonded?
[Now who's getting chatty?]
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I do not believe I have. But I would not take that personally, I do not often speak of him.
[And not really out of any particular reason, or so Ozymandias assumes. Arthur is no longer here and he no longer feels the effects of the severance of their Bond, so there is very little reason to discuss him at any length.]
He was another Heroic Spirit, but like the others, he preferred to be known by his Servant class rather than his true name. But for him and by now, it has less to do with hiding his potential weaknesses from enemies, and more to do with his shame. Saber carries with him a tremendous amount of guilt for his past. He even felt guilt for being my enemy once and what became of me after he defeated me in the Holy Grail War we both participated in.
I am less concerned with such things. I do not believe the past should be forgotten, but if the purpose of carrying it is not to continue moving forward, then it is a hindrance and should be discarded. He gained nothing from his self-flagellation and could never understand why I did not hold ill will or a grudge toward him.
[Despite numerous explanations.]
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He was kidnapped and I never saw him again. He was my partner and I should have been able to protect him. That was my job in Kijuju and it never stopped being my priority. I protect my own. To the end if necessary.
[Which includes him at this point, but he’s talking about his bond and she feels that might be a bit much to say when he rarely talks of his bond.]
Guilt is a difficult thing to cease carrying when there’s the blood of so many at your feet and on your hands. Even in one lifetime. Over many? I don’t know how you do it.
The same with grudges, but that is a flaw of mine too. It’s why I joined the BSAA. Or a large part.
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[But more than he, he understands to some degree what it was to be on the other side of the kidnappings. To have that worry that those he cares for might never return whether it was due to incompetence on part of the city or the cruelty of the Rathmores. Thankfully, he never needed to learn that feeling for himself firsthand. Daenerys escaped not unscathed but through her own power and so did Waver and Caren, although not without their respective weights of guilt over their inability to directly rescue those left behind. And Chariot was returned to him eventually. He even felt a greater amount of relief than he anticipated for Fang's return as well. Even Andersen who was notably a useless Caster who ran his mouth far too much for his own good was a relief to see returned.]
I had not realized you parted under those circumstances. But I am certain your partner knew that you were looking for him and you had not given up. Even if it was difficult for him to sense you through the Bond for very long, surely he knew you well enough to know that you would have done anything to see his return. I do not believe he would fault you for what happened. If anything, I am certain he would only be grateful that you were not with him.
[It's true that Ozymandias didn't know Chris, but from everything Sheva has ever said of her previous Bonded to him, he feels he can judge his character to be aligned with this much.]
That is what it is to be a king, Sheva.
It would be nice to say that one can be king with a purely gentle and kind heart, but that is not the reality. To be king, one must be willing to do things others would deem destructive, perhaps even cruel to maintain the happiness and security of your people.
My responsibility as Pharaoh is to maintain ma'at. I rule not as a man, not as a peer, but as a god. I shall not pretend as though it is an easy thing to balance one's compassion and goodwill by doing what is necessary and fair. What is fair is not always kind to everyone. Even my own ideals are not without their potential sacrifices. But that is what I do so that those I rule over must never contend with such decisions. They merely need only to follow my example and live their lives harmoniously with those around them.
This is where Saber and I differ and why I bear no guilt but he burdens himself with it. He believes it possible that a king might rule as an equal. He does not diffuse responsibility and accepts leadership, but he takes on the sins and the failings of those around him as his own without a second thought. When his duties as a king require him to act in unkind ways, he believes an ideal where such a decision would not be necessary to be a reality rather than a wish.
[Ozymandias might not being saying he was Bonded with King Arthur, but with that description, it's potentially glaringly obvious at this point.]
Do not mistake me. I admire Saber's compassion, truly. His conviction to his own ideals are also why I still choose to recognize him as a king despite other ancient kings likely rejecting him as an idealistic fool. But the way he goes about it is not something that I ever learned to tolerate well. Such a path leads only to his own self-destruction and for such a man to lead himself to such ends is a disgrace. He is worthy of better and his people deserve the whole of his potential, not merely part of it.
But until he is able to accept such truths about what it is to be king, Saber shall remain as he is. He shall always avert his gaze when in my presence or the presence of the other Servants that fought during that Holy Grail War, or when meeting his peers from his own era and kingdom. His actions shall be determined by his guilt rather than his ideals.
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[Chris might not fault herself, but she does. She would have died to save him, and while she’s glad to be alive, there’s always going to be that hole left from having and losing him here in this place.
And then she falls silent as the typing continues and the lengthy, serious texts continue to pile in, thoughtful and detailed. At some point she just resigns herself to waiting for completion, which includes eating more catnip sweets honestly. It’s probably for the better, in the end, given what she knows historically about his reign and the opinions she has about leaders’ perspectives often being skewed.
But in the end, she’s never had to lead. She’s seen first hand what it means to take and keep power, but she’s seen it from the perspective of an orphan in a war torn country that killed her family for the favor of a corporation, as a child soldier who did what needed to be done to survive herself, and then as a BSAA agent fighting to save the world from a devastating outbreak. The common thread was corruption and power, always.
While she tried to be hopeful, sometimes the weight of it all was suffocating.
Then there’s that bit about being a god that just... Digs in like an infected splinter.]
I knew a man who claimed himself a god. He wanted to cleanse the world of weakness with a virus, to develop a master next step in evolution. He infected my people and turned them into monsters.
Not like the sort of monsters that are here, but creatures in the shells of people. Their souls decimated into a controllable parasite. We killed hundreds to survive, to complete the mission.
For a long time, I thought I died during that mission. I was falling from a helicopter, then I showed up here.
To believe and fight for an ideal should not be considered a weakness. Neither should having guilt for our atrocities and mistakes. It may have needed to be done for the better of the whole and to save the most lives, whatever the choice, but feeling the price is part of having a conscience.
Do you see their faces too? When I have nightmares?
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[There is much in what she says that he could respond to or ask more questions about, but it seems a little unfair. What she says is still connected to his own words, but in a looser manner and likely more reflective of the effect of the catmint on her than anything else. So, he chooses only to speak of the topic that seems the least intrusive and the most relevant.]
Sheva, I am not certain this conversation is appropriate for the Watches. [Which is not his way of discouraging her from talking about it if she feels so inclined. It just seems like such a deeply impersonal way to speak of something so personal.] You are welcome to come here if you like.
[Which he offers because he knows there is a degree to which her apartment is off-limits to him. Not out of anything personal against him, of course. He understands her reasons because they are the same reason that Arthur's room has remained relatively untouched. Although the thought does occur to him every now and again to empty it, he just never seems to quite get around to it.]
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[Not during the nightmares or right after, but it's her burden to carry and to reveal if she wishes. She doesn't want him to suffer her pains and nightmares, even if bonding to him has alleviated the intensity and extent to which they strained and damaged her. When she walked the mental hairline between a feral state and the bondless maelstrom of emotions that encompassed her existence, the memories and nightmares were so vicious, so realistic, that took near all of her mental faculties to not lose herself within them permanently.
Or so it felt to her. Her bond with Ozy stabilized her, strengthened her even. The nightmares again became tolerable as a burden, like the pain of exercise. Necessary to grow stronger. At least that's what she tells herself.
She reads the offer in a long pause of thought.]
Perhaps. But I helped myself to more cookies.
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[He does not deny that Sheva has witnessed horrors from what she has described. He does not even deny that they would make the average person's stomach churn or spike such fear or anguish within them that it can only be described as primal. But it takes a great deal more to rattle Ozymandias at this point in his long existence as far as that is concerned as sadly, none of the worlds he has been to have grown kinder in the intervening centuries between his death and the modern era.]
Whatever your dreams, I do not fear them. They do not have the power to make me think differently of you either.
You are not going to eat the entire package of them, are you?
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Instead, she realizes the effort would be wasted. Ozy is too resilient in his support and in his strength in his confidence to handle everything that’s thrown at him. She gets it.]
That's good.
[There’s another pause, this one shorter than the initial one.]
I’m glad the foul state of my arrival did not deter you from speaking with me all that time ago. Thank you.
[Of course the thanks is for more than that, but she’s not good at expressing more, that she’s appreciative of his support and space alike that he and their Bond provide. But she is thankful.]
And what if I do? [Did.] They’re good cookies.
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