I’d like to think so too. Feeling the loss of him through the bond was one of the reasons I did not want to bond again.
[Chris might not fault herself, but she does. She would have died to save him, and while she’s glad to be alive, there’s always going to be that hole left from having and losing him here in this place.
And then she falls silent as the typing continues and the lengthy, serious texts continue to pile in, thoughtful and detailed. At some point she just resigns herself to waiting for completion, which includes eating more catnip sweets honestly. It’s probably for the better, in the end, given what she knows historically about his reign and the opinions she has about leaders’ perspectives often being skewed.
But in the end, she’s never had to lead. She’s seen first hand what it means to take and keep power, but she’s seen it from the perspective of an orphan in a war torn country that killed her family for the favor of a corporation, as a child soldier who did what needed to be done to survive herself, and then as a BSAA agent fighting to save the world from a devastating outbreak. The common thread was corruption and power, always.
While she tried to be hopeful, sometimes the weight of it all was suffocating.
Then there’s that bit about being a god that just... Digs in like an infected splinter.]
I knew a man who claimed himself a god. He wanted to cleanse the world of weakness with a virus, to develop a master next step in evolution. He infected my people and turned them into monsters.
Not like the sort of monsters that are here, but creatures in the shells of people. Their souls decimated into a controllable parasite. We killed hundreds to survive, to complete the mission.
For a long time, I thought I died during that mission. I was falling from a helicopter, then I showed up here.
To believe and fight for an ideal should not be considered a weakness. Neither should having guilt for our atrocities and mistakes. It may have needed to be done for the better of the whole and to save the most lives, whatever the choice, but feeling the price is part of having a conscience.
Do you see their faces too? When I have nightmares?
I know you have nightmares. When I wake the next morning, I can sense the impact they've had on you. But I see nothing of them for myself.
[There is much in what she says that he could respond to or ask more questions about, but it seems a little unfair. What she says is still connected to his own words, but in a looser manner and likely more reflective of the effect of the catmint on her than anything else. So, he chooses only to speak of the topic that seems the least intrusive and the most relevant.]
Sheva, I am not certain this conversation is appropriate for the Watches. [Which is not his way of discouraging her from talking about it if she feels so inclined. It just seems like such a deeply impersonal way to speak of something so personal.] You are welcome to come here if you like.
[Which he offers because he knows there is a degree to which her apartment is off-limits to him. Not out of anything personal against him, of course. He understands her reasons because they are the same reason that Arthur's room has remained relatively untouched. Although the thought does occur to him every now and again to empty it, he just never seems to quite get around to it.]
That's good. That you don't see them. I worry about that happening.
[Not during the nightmares or right after, but it's her burden to carry and to reveal if she wishes. She doesn't want him to suffer her pains and nightmares, even if bonding to him has alleviated the intensity and extent to which they strained and damaged her. When she walked the mental hairline between a feral state and the bondless maelstrom of emotions that encompassed her existence, the memories and nightmares were so vicious, so realistic, that took near all of her mental faculties to not lose herself within them permanently.
Or so it felt to her. Her bond with Ozy stabilized her, strengthened her even. The nightmares again became tolerable as a burden, like the pain of exercise. Necessary to grow stronger. At least that's what she tells herself.
You needn't worry over such things. Whatever your dreams might be, I have not led as sheltered of a life before my death or thereafter as you might assume based upon my birth.
[He does not deny that Sheva has witnessed horrors from what she has described. He does not even deny that they would make the average person's stomach churn or spike such fear or anguish within them that it can only be described as primal. But it takes a great deal more to rattle Ozymandias at this point in his long existence as far as that is concerned as sadly, none of the worlds he has been to have grown kinder in the intervening centuries between his death and the modern era.]
Whatever your dreams, I do not fear them. They do not have the power to make me think differently of you either.
You are not going to eat the entire package of them, are you?
[She really wants to find a way to counter him, to argue that he can’t understand the vile things she’s seen in Kijuju or the way her uncle only took her in for the money, not out of any familial love or even duty. How she became a soldier as a child and learned the ugliness of people far too early in life.
Instead, she realizes the effort would be wasted. Ozy is too resilient in his support and in his strength in his confidence to handle everything that’s thrown at him. She gets it.]
That's good.
[There’s another pause, this one shorter than the initial one.]
I’m glad the foul state of my arrival did not deter you from speaking with me all that time ago. Thank you.
[Of course the thanks is for more than that, but she’s not good at expressing more, that she’s appreciative of his support and space alike that he and their Bond provide. But she is thankful.]
If I recall correctly, you did not leave me much choice. You walked straight into me while I was still in recovery. Even if I wanted to escape, there simply was no possible way I could in that condition.
[He's teasing, but there's also maybe a little truth to that. Not that Ozymandias wouldn't have stopped to talk to her had she asked her question without colliding into him, but that certainly didn't hurt. Regardless though, Ozymandias doesn't require thanks and this teasing is his gentle way of dismissing it.]
They were meant to last you for some time, but I suppose it is up to at what pace you enjoy them.
Details. Recovery from what? I was fresh from falling out of a bomber to my death, so my memory's a little hazy of that time.
[No offense Ozy, but the details of that meeting grow hazy around the edges. Between the sleep and physical exhaustion, the emotional trauma, and the adrenaline that kept her upright and somehow functioning, it's a miracle she remembers much at all from those days. She could have slept through the first two days and she likely still would have felt tired to her bones.
She does remember how vile she was, the scent and consistency of Kijuju forever burned in her memory.]
Fresh baked cookies deserve to be enjoyed still warm and fresh. Besides, my body requires chocolate right now.
I do not believe I have ever discussed it with you. I would not expect it to stand out in your memory.
[Which is nothing particularly personal. Sheva can likely reach a reasonable assumption that masking illness or injury would be the norm for Ozymandias. A sickly pharaoh would not exactly inspire confidence at any point during his reign and there has never been any indication that Ozymandias takes his duties as Pharaoh any less seriously after his death. If anything, there is a degree to which he takes it even more seriously considering that he sets an example for others who would call themselves Pharaoh.]
I suffered an illness a month prior to your arrival in the city. I was bedridden through much of it and was made to stay within the Coven itself until my fever broke and I regained some of my strength. I was allowed to return to my mansion just mere days before your arrival.
I believe you have made that last part up.
[Listen. He might be ancient, but chocolate is not a staple to any diet! You cannot fool him!!]
Then I do not feel so bad for not recalling this information.
[Honestly it has been Sheva’s experience that most men do this, regardless of their rank or power, but she witnesses it particularly in soldiers and those who need to prove themselves strong rather than weak. Or, in her case, equal or better than men in similar positions and situations.
Showing weakness can mean the difference between life and death, and she imagines it’s vital to holding power and maintaining the visage of a god.
The explanation he provides concerns her more than it ought to probably, but she takes diseases quite seriously given her experiences with them in her world.]
I’m glad that you recovered, for more than just selfish reasons. Was it just you affected by this illness, or did others fall ill as well?
Chocolate doesn’t cure menstrual cramps, but I still require it to survive.
Others have fallen ill with it. Oddly enough, Giorno and I were ill around the same time. He was in one of the rooms a few doors down. But the fact he was ill suggests it is not something unique to Witches or Monsters.
I believe the illness is similar to what you would call [There is a pause there as he tries to remember the name. Something Sheva is likely used to at this point as Ozymandias has that tendency to hesitate with modern phrases and terms every now and again.] influenza. There is no cure for it and while ill, you are rendered quite weak without intervention, in any case. The Coven seems to use mostly spells to induce sleep and lessen the symptoms as much as they can.
If that is the case, then I suppose I should be certain to keep chocolate in the mansion at all times.
The flu and its cohorts are not to be trifled with for those reasons. It’s highly contagious and most infected run the risk of dehydration and malnutrition on top of the fever. It does a number on even the most healthy person.
In my world, people have adapted diseases like that and worse to create biological weapons. Ways to kill entire populations of people, even decimate entire cities and beyond if it gets out.
[Which is one of the reasons the rampant magical plague here worries and taxes Sheva so much, it’s so linked to her experiences from home. It takes a moment for her to recognize the mention of the chocolate.]
I appreciate all that you do to accommodate your guests.
[Ozymandias cannot say that he's particularly surprised to hear that weaponizing illnesses is a modern tactic of conquest. It is not one that he could readily approve of as nothing about it sounds particularly noble and it is most certainly not divine as it sounds so rooted within the sciences rather than magecraft. It seems unnecessarily cruel and cowardly, instead.]
[But her explanation does more than just paint a picture of the world she comes from. It informs Ozymandias a little more about where her concerns arise with this world and its own encroaching, devastating disease.]
Fortunately, that does not appear to be the case in this world. They appear to remain reactive to disease rather than possessing control over it.
Is that what you would consider yourself? A guest?
[The nature of her world touches more than just her opinions on the disease here, but her reaction to turning into something inhuman, into a monster. It’s been a long, arduous journey from when she arrived to her feelings now, and she still has much to learn.]
It’s only a matter of time. Once they find out how to control or modify it, someone will want to use it to better themselves.
I do not live there and only visit. Isn’t that the definition of a guest?
[Granted it's not entirely unearned for this world. There has already been plenty of evidence of the cruelties that the people of this world are willing to enact on one another in the name of their own sense of power. But Ozymandias would like to think better of this world and the people in it. If only because it is difficult for him to believe that such darkness would ever be allowed to consume in such an uncontrolled manner.]
Perhaps in a technical sense, but you are one of my Bonded. I would not consider your status to be the same as others who may visit.
[There is really nothing that he can necessarily say to the contrary to her point. (And he certainly does not feel particularly compelled to defend the natives of this place to any excessive degree.) So, Ozymandias decides to let it go.]
I mean no offense, but they would not serve me particularly well if that were all it took to sway them.
In any case, my mansion should always feel welcoming to you and a place that you might find comfort and respite. Although I would never have a poor showing of hospitality to any who visited, I would not extend the same efforts to others as I would be willing to do for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Chris might not fault herself, but she does. She would have died to save him, and while she’s glad to be alive, there’s always going to be that hole left from having and losing him here in this place.
And then she falls silent as the typing continues and the lengthy, serious texts continue to pile in, thoughtful and detailed. At some point she just resigns herself to waiting for completion, which includes eating more catnip sweets honestly. It’s probably for the better, in the end, given what she knows historically about his reign and the opinions she has about leaders’ perspectives often being skewed.
But in the end, she’s never had to lead. She’s seen first hand what it means to take and keep power, but she’s seen it from the perspective of an orphan in a war torn country that killed her family for the favor of a corporation, as a child soldier who did what needed to be done to survive herself, and then as a BSAA agent fighting to save the world from a devastating outbreak. The common thread was corruption and power, always.
While she tried to be hopeful, sometimes the weight of it all was suffocating.
Then there’s that bit about being a god that just... Digs in like an infected splinter.]
I knew a man who claimed himself a god. He wanted to cleanse the world of weakness with a virus, to develop a master next step in evolution. He infected my people and turned them into monsters.
Not like the sort of monsters that are here, but creatures in the shells of people. Their souls decimated into a controllable parasite. We killed hundreds to survive, to complete the mission.
For a long time, I thought I died during that mission. I was falling from a helicopter, then I showed up here.
To believe and fight for an ideal should not be considered a weakness. Neither should having guilt for our atrocities and mistakes. It may have needed to be done for the better of the whole and to save the most lives, whatever the choice, but feeling the price is part of having a conscience.
Do you see their faces too? When I have nightmares?
no subject
[There is much in what she says that he could respond to or ask more questions about, but it seems a little unfair. What she says is still connected to his own words, but in a looser manner and likely more reflective of the effect of the catmint on her than anything else. So, he chooses only to speak of the topic that seems the least intrusive and the most relevant.]
Sheva, I am not certain this conversation is appropriate for the Watches. [Which is not his way of discouraging her from talking about it if she feels so inclined. It just seems like such a deeply impersonal way to speak of something so personal.] You are welcome to come here if you like.
[Which he offers because he knows there is a degree to which her apartment is off-limits to him. Not out of anything personal against him, of course. He understands her reasons because they are the same reason that Arthur's room has remained relatively untouched. Although the thought does occur to him every now and again to empty it, he just never seems to quite get around to it.]
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[Not during the nightmares or right after, but it's her burden to carry and to reveal if she wishes. She doesn't want him to suffer her pains and nightmares, even if bonding to him has alleviated the intensity and extent to which they strained and damaged her. When she walked the mental hairline between a feral state and the bondless maelstrom of emotions that encompassed her existence, the memories and nightmares were so vicious, so realistic, that took near all of her mental faculties to not lose herself within them permanently.
Or so it felt to her. Her bond with Ozy stabilized her, strengthened her even. The nightmares again became tolerable as a burden, like the pain of exercise. Necessary to grow stronger. At least that's what she tells herself.
She reads the offer in a long pause of thought.]
Perhaps. But I helped myself to more cookies.
no subject
[He does not deny that Sheva has witnessed horrors from what she has described. He does not even deny that they would make the average person's stomach churn or spike such fear or anguish within them that it can only be described as primal. But it takes a great deal more to rattle Ozymandias at this point in his long existence as far as that is concerned as sadly, none of the worlds he has been to have grown kinder in the intervening centuries between his death and the modern era.]
Whatever your dreams, I do not fear them. They do not have the power to make me think differently of you either.
You are not going to eat the entire package of them, are you?
no subject
Instead, she realizes the effort would be wasted. Ozy is too resilient in his support and in his strength in his confidence to handle everything that’s thrown at him. She gets it.]
That's good.
[There’s another pause, this one shorter than the initial one.]
I’m glad the foul state of my arrival did not deter you from speaking with me all that time ago. Thank you.
[Of course the thanks is for more than that, but she’s not good at expressing more, that she’s appreciative of his support and space alike that he and their Bond provide. But she is thankful.]
And what if I do? [Did.] They’re good cookies.
no subject
[He's teasing, but there's also maybe a little truth to that. Not that Ozymandias wouldn't have stopped to talk to her had she asked her question without colliding into him, but that certainly didn't hurt. Regardless though, Ozymandias doesn't require thanks and this teasing is his gentle way of dismissing it.]
They were meant to last you for some time, but I suppose it is up to at what pace you enjoy them.
no subject
[No offense Ozy, but the details of that meeting grow hazy around the edges. Between the sleep and physical exhaustion, the emotional trauma, and the adrenaline that kept her upright and somehow functioning, it's a miracle she remembers much at all from those days. She could have slept through the first two days and she likely still would have felt tired to her bones.
She does remember how vile she was, the scent and consistency of Kijuju forever burned in her memory.]
Fresh baked cookies deserve to be enjoyed still warm and fresh. Besides, my body requires chocolate right now.
no subject
[Which is nothing particularly personal. Sheva can likely reach a reasonable assumption that masking illness or injury would be the norm for Ozymandias. A sickly pharaoh would not exactly inspire confidence at any point during his reign and there has never been any indication that Ozymandias takes his duties as Pharaoh any less seriously after his death. If anything, there is a degree to which he takes it even more seriously considering that he sets an example for others who would call themselves Pharaoh.]
I suffered an illness a month prior to your arrival in the city. I was bedridden through much of it and was made to stay within the Coven itself until my fever broke and I regained some of my strength. I was allowed to return to my mansion just mere days before your arrival.
I believe you have made that last part up.
[Listen. He might be ancient, but chocolate is not a staple to any diet! You cannot fool him!!]
no subject
[Honestly it has been Sheva’s experience that most men do this, regardless of their rank or power, but she witnesses it particularly in soldiers and those who need to prove themselves strong rather than weak. Or, in her case, equal or better than men in similar positions and situations.
Showing weakness can mean the difference between life and death, and she imagines it’s vital to holding power and maintaining the visage of a god.
The explanation he provides concerns her more than it ought to probably, but she takes diseases quite seriously given her experiences with them in her world.]
I’m glad that you recovered, for more than just selfish reasons. Was it just you affected by this illness, or did others fall ill as well?
Chocolate doesn’t cure menstrual cramps, but I still require it to survive.
no subject
I believe the illness is similar to what you would call [There is a pause there as he tries to remember the name. Something Sheva is likely used to at this point as Ozymandias has that tendency to hesitate with modern phrases and terms every now and again.] influenza. There is no cure for it and while ill, you are rendered quite weak without intervention, in any case. The Coven seems to use mostly spells to induce sleep and lessen the symptoms as much as they can.
If that is the case, then I suppose I should be certain to keep chocolate in the mansion at all times.
no subject
In my world, people have adapted diseases like that and worse to create biological weapons. Ways to kill entire populations of people, even decimate entire cities and beyond if it gets out.
[Which is one of the reasons the rampant magical plague here worries and taxes Sheva so much, it’s so linked to her experiences from home. It takes a moment for her to recognize the mention of the chocolate.]
I appreciate all that you do to accommodate your guests.
no subject
[But her explanation does more than just paint a picture of the world she comes from. It informs Ozymandias a little more about where her concerns arise with this world and its own encroaching, devastating disease.]
Fortunately, that does not appear to be the case in this world. They appear to remain reactive to disease rather than possessing control over it.
Is that what you would consider yourself? A guest?
no subject
It’s only a matter of time. Once they find out how to control or modify it, someone will want to use it to better themselves.
I do not live there and only visit. Isn’t that the definition of a guest?
no subject
[Granted it's not entirely unearned for this world. There has already been plenty of evidence of the cruelties that the people of this world are willing to enact on one another in the name of their own sense of power. But Ozymandias would like to think better of this world and the people in it. If only because it is difficult for him to believe that such darkness would ever be allowed to consume in such an uncontrolled manner.]
Perhaps in a technical sense, but you are one of my Bonded. I would not consider your status to be the same as others who may visit.
no subject
[And that was before she saw what the locals were capable of here even. She doesn't exactly trust the system or the ones running it.]
I must have missed out on the Bonded-level perks rundown. And here I just thought your guards liked me because I'm feline.
no subject
I mean no offense, but they would not serve me particularly well if that were all it took to sway them.
In any case, my mansion should always feel welcoming to you and a place that you might find comfort and respite. Although I would never have a poor showing of hospitality to any who visited, I would not extend the same efforts to others as I would be willing to do for you.